It's 11:52am on the 22nd September, 2014. Ken Jennings, eyes down, is busy applying the finishing touches to one of the worst Tweets ever to be written. His pink, doughy fingers - sweaty with eagerness - fumble around for the remaining characters. Full stop. There, it's done. Aaaaand "Tweet".
"Nothing sadder than a hot person in a wheelchair."
Ken grins at the screen revealing a row of rounded teeth. He's pleased with his work. "It's so true", he thinks to himself, reminiscing about the lithe beauty, who moments before inspired his digits into action. "Such a shame", he sighs once more. "And for one so young..." he continues to muse "....she must've been 18 years old, maybe younger." His lips begin to moisten. In response, his head shakes involuntarily and his smile begins to droop. "Alas, to be bound by a wheelchair, crippled for life, no chance for love...no chance for lust." His thoughts repulse him, but pity returns. "Poor girl. There really is nothing sadder than a hot person in a wheelchair." At that moment, his wife calls from the doctor and asks him to pick up the kids. "Is my work never done?" He wonders to himself as his eyes follow the bare legs of a brunette girl walking past his bench. "Now, that's just as the Lord intended." Ken stands up and brushes the sandwich crumbs from his crotch. "She doesn't make me sad at all." Ken checks his phone one more time and exits the park. "I wonder why women are less intelligent than men?" Ken ponders for absolutely no reason whatsoever as he gets into his car. He truly is a wanker.
But who the actual fuck is Kenneth Wayne Jennings III? Judging solely by his poxy name, he's the third in a long of pricks to boast this title.
"Hi, I'm Ken; this is my father Kenny; and this is my grandfather, Kenneth. What we lack in originality, we make up for in banality."
Ken "The Tweeter" Jennings was born on May 23rd, 1974 in the American state of Washington. According to Wikipedia (as is the entirety of this blog), Ken was a Mormon. In many ways, this is not surprising. Not that I know a lot about Mormons. But the fact that he is one, doesn't surprise me. Ken sprung to fame in 2004 on the back of a record breaking run in the American quiz show, Jeopardy. He won a never-to-be-topped, 74 games in a row, amassing a total prize fund of $3,196,300. Since then, he's been a regular on the quiz show circuit and authored his own book - Brainiac: Adventures in the Curious, Competitive, Compulsive World of Trivia Buffs.
This is all fine. It's also none of my fucking business. What Ken did before 11.52am on the 22nd September 2014 doesn't interest me in the slightest. However, when Ken decided it would be in his best interest to knock out the crassest of crass Tweets about wheelchair users, I felt compelled to weigh in. Incidentally, I didn't hear of his Tweet until two days ago - almost four years after its original inception. But Twitter never forgets. And so it was that I stumbled across the Tweet of a young woman who had written the following:
"Nothing's sadder than a #HotPersonInAWheelchair"
Lol try again buddy lmao
Her Tweet was accompanied by a picture of herself sitting happily in her chair, so naturally I assumed she had just been involved in a real life situation in which some prick had uttered these words to her. But this was not the case. Soon afterwards, I noticed that the #HotPersonInAWheelchair hashtag was trending. I dug deeper and discovered the original line came from a Tweet by a guy named Ken Jennings in 2014. Two things struck me. Why the fuck hadn't I already heard of this dickhead and why the fuck did this Tweet still exist? Any sane person would surely notice the negative backlash from saying something so cuntish and repent their error.
Not our Ken.
He's sticking to his guns. In fact, when some douchebag replied to Ken's timeless Tweet with the words:
@KenJennings Probably one of your best.
Ken perceptively replied with:
@Untresor the internet does not agree.
No Ken, the Internet does not agree. No one agrees. You are alone in this world with your pitiful thoughts and hurtful remarks. Because, and let's be clear about this, it is a hurtful remark. It is hurtful to anyone who uses a wheelchair - hot or not. The implication really is quite clear and doesn't require much interpretation, but let's do it anyway.
Ken is basically saying that if you are an attractive person and use a wheelchair, then it is sad for everyone because (A) They want to fuck you because you are hot, but (B) Won't fuck you because you are disabled. This, obviously, makes it a very sad existence for the wheelchair user because, on the one hand, their pretty face allows them to be objectified by society. But on the other hand, the condition of their lower body means they will never fulfill their hot potential. While for the able-bodied onlooker, it is sad because the pretty face goes to waste and will never have a chance to make the onlooker's dick happy.
This, of course, leads us to the other heinous aspect of this offensive Tweet. While it is quite clear that Ken has a problem with the concept of disability, it is also apparent that Ken is a misogynist. And as I indicated in the above paragraph, at no point would I ever consider it likely that a woman would utter such a statement about a male wheelchair user. This is a man issue. Plain and simple. Only a man would look at a disabled person and lament that his sexual gratification has been compromised by that person's physical disability. Only a man would place the fulfillment of someone's hotness at the top of their list of priorities.
Fuck off, Ken. I don't want your pity. The girl who you said this about doesn't want your pity. The disabled community doesn't want your pity. No one wants your pity. It is meaningless. Earlier, I used the term "crass" to describe his Tweet and I'm not wrong. The dictionary definition sums it up as "Showing no intelligence or sensitivity." Tick, tick. In some ways it's ironic that a man who holds the record for Jeopardy's longest winning streak and identifies himself as a Brainiac would also be the author of something so brainless. Then again, is it not an indictment of our society that we produce clever men who possess not an ounce of emotional intelligence?
The upside to all this is that, because of Ken's crass Tweet, we now have a new hashtag to hash the shit out of: HotPersonInAWheelchair has being doing the rounds and inspired a lot of disabled people to claim back their spiritual hotness. It's an important act of defiance that alludes to personal confidence and having the internal resources to feel good in a body that is not held in high regard by society. Which, no matter how you spin it, is bullshit. For one thing, I thought we were trying to prove how evolved we all are by celebrating what's inside a person. Nope, apparently if we want equality and inclusivity it starts with how hot we are. Well I say we're all goddam hot, so keep your Ken Jennings thoughts to yourself because, in my opinion, there's nothing sadder than small-mindedness.